Why Are We Here?
Why Are We Here? is the first episode in the machinima series Red vs. Blue, which premiered on the Rooster Teeth website on April 1, 2003. It introduces the characters of Simmons, Grif, Church, and Tucker in a boxed canyon known as "Blood Gulch". Transcript Pan up from the ground and close in on two soldiers, one clad in maroon armor, the other in orange. Switch to Simmons (maroon armor). Simmons: Hey. Switch to Grif. Grif: Yeah? Switch to Simmons Simmons: You ever wonder why we’re here? Grif: It’s one of life’s great mysteries isn’t it? Why are we here? Are we the product of some cosmic coincidence, or is there a god watching everything? You know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don’t know, man. But it keeps me up at night. Simmons: What?! I mean why are we out here, in this canyon. Grif: Oh. Uh...yeah. Simmons: What was all that stuff about God? Grif: Uh...hm? Nothing. Simmons: You wanna talk about it? Grif: No. Simmons: You sure? Grif: Yeah. Simmons: Seriously though, why are we out here? Far as I can tell, it's just a boxed a canyon in the middle of nowhere. No way in or out. Grif: Uh hmm. Simmons: The only reason we set up a Red Base here, is because they have a Blue Base over there. And the only reason they have a Blue Base over there, is because we have a Red Base here. Grif: Yeah. That's cause we're fighting each other. Simmons: No no. But I mean, even if we were to pull out today, and if they would come take our base, they would have two bases in the middle of a boxed canyon. Whoopdee-fucking-doo. Grif: What's up with that anyway? I mean, I signed on to fight some aliens. Next thing I know, Master Chief’s blown up the Covenant armada and I’m stuck in the middle of nowhere, fighting a bunch of blue guys. Zoom in on two soldiers, one wielding a sniper rifle and in cobalt armor, the other standing behind him in cyan armor. Switch to Tucker (cyan armor) Tucker: What're they doing? Church (cobalt armor) slowly turns around to face Tucker, lowering his rifle. Church (aggravated): What?! Switch to Tucker. Tucker: I said, "What are they doing?" Switch back to Church, who is clearly frustrated. Church: God damn, I‘m getting so sick of answering that question! Switch to Tucker. Tucker (defensively): You have the fucking rifle, I can’t see shit. Don’t start to bitch at me cause I'm not gonna sit up here and play with my dick all day— Switch to Church. Church: Okay look, they’re just standing there, and talking. That's all they're doing. That’s all they ever do, is just stand there and talk. That’s what they were doing last week, that’s what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So, five minutes from now, when you ask me, “What are they doing?” my answer's gonna be, “They’re still just talking, and they're still just standing there.” Both fall silent. Switch to Tucker. Tucker: What're they talking about? Switch to Church. Church (angrily): You know what? I fucking hate you. Switch to Grif and Simmons. Grif: Talk about a waste of resources. I mean, we should be out there finding newer and intelligent forms of life, you know, fight them. Simmons: Yeah, no shit. That's why they should put us in charge. Sarge: Ladies, front and center on the double! Grif: Fuck! Simmons: Yes, sir! Fade to black. Category: Season 1 Category: Episodes